My Favorite Amendment is the First One

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

Hello? Hello? Hello? Is there any body out there...out there.

This is just a quick shout out to all of the people I am following. Where the hell are you guys??? I miss your writing. BLOG MORE, PLEASE!

This is why there is an adult content warning on this blog.

You guys are not even gonna believe this shit.

I got a phone call today around 4. I pick up, and some guy says "Hi. This is Travis. I got your number off of the bathroom wall at the truck stop and it said on the wall that you would give me a blow job." As if the bathroom wall read specifically "Hey, Travis! Call 867-5309 and the chick will give you a blow job."

Anyway, I proceeded to tell "Travis" (like that's even his real name) that there was not a rats ass of a chance in hell that he was gonna be getting ANYTHING from this bitch. He went on to beg, at which point I lied and told him that I was married to a very large, angry man. He then told me that he was more sensitive than my (fictitious) husband, and maybe we would have a good time together. I guess he assumed I may want to ride off into the sunset with him, side by side in his big rig. At that point I decided to go ahead and extend my lie, by saying "and I'm pregnant. What kind of person would that make you?" His response, "Oh, OK. Then I should just wait a few months and call you back?"

"Hell to the NO, Travis!!! FORGET MY NUMBER, and a good exercise to help you forget it would be to take your vile ass back in the bathroom with a sharpie and scratch my number off of the fucking wall!" Click.

Now, if you know me at all, you know that this pissed me off. Pissed me off good. So tonight, Hemp (name withheld for his protection and mine) made a trip to the truck stop. I had asked Travis specifically which truck stop he got my number from. So we went there, and Hemp checked the walls and couldn't find my number. I then asked Hemp to escort me into the men's room so that I could get a look-see for myself. I did not find my number, but I did find a lovely piece of artwork depicting an ass (like a butt, not a donkey) with shit (yes, human feces, no.2) smeared as if it were coming out of the anal area. There were many men in the men's room, including a large black man who seemed more afraid of me than he should have. I asked them all if they were "Travis." Not surprisingly, I didn't get any takers on that. We checked all of the showers, and the ladies rooms for good measure. We never found my number, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't there. There were hundreds of entries on the wall and neither Hemp, nor I, were willing to get close enough to look at some of them.

I spoke with the clerk, who promised to go in the bathroom and mark he numbers off of the wall as soon as the other clerk got back from break.

I do not know if it was a prank call, or if "Travis" really did get my number off of the bathroom wall. Either way, it was weird as hell. I have been getting a lot of calls from private numbers, which I normally do not answer, but have lately because I am expecting packages, and there is always a chance that the FedEx guy might call. I see my phone number changing in the near future.

Travis, if you are reading this, go blow yourself.

NaBloPoMo Photo Review

It seems only fitting to kiss NaBloPoMo goodbye with a little November 2008 scrapbook. Enjoy :)

I started the month out in an absolutely gorgeous blue dress as the Maid of Honor in my cousin Jessie's wedding. It was the first wedding that I have ever been in, unless you count Brandon and Gina's (they had no Maid of Honor or Best Man, but somehow I ended up standing right beside Gina with a bouquet). I had a ton of fun. Jessie was beautiful, the ceremony was beautiful, and as much as the groom hated it, he looked great in his "penguin suit." I was so honored to be asked to participate in their wedding and I wish them many, many, many years of happiness with each other :)

This is Matt outside the church after the wedding. I just thought this was a cute picture of him so I through it in.


November brought the arrival of Matt's Mom and her camper. I am sure that she would hate this picture, but I couldn't find a better one of her actually in the camper. She has a wonderful smile, she just happens to be in the middle of a sentence in this picture. Her visit didn't end the way we would have hoped, but as always, we had some fun times and it was good to see her while she was here.



Here I am meeting up with the crew from the bakery for our mini-vacation to Hot Springs. This was a much-needed break during a very stressful time for me. Again, thank you Debi!!

Audrey enjoying our new bedding.

Me with the Terrier Twins, Seymour and Waylon. We got Seymour at the beginning of the month and he has turned out to be such a cool dog! This picture was taken on Thanksgiving morning. You can see that Waylon is recovering well from his accident earlier this month.

Uncle Wayne came into town for Thanksgiving and stayed with me and Matt at the house for two days. We had a great time catching up and you couldn't ask for a more polite, courteous houseguest. He just left yesterday and I miss him already. I had really grown fond of his habit of wondering around the house singing Billy Joel songs :)

Me and Matt at Mom and Dad's on Thanksgiving. We didn't dress to match on purpose, but I think we look cute as hell :)

Dad and Mom on Thanksgiving. We have SO much to be thankful for this year. This summer shook our family to the core, but we made it! This was definately my best Thanksgiving ever. I don't even know how to express how grateful I am to have been able to have all of my family together for Thanksgiving. I don't want anything for Christmas this year, just a duplicate of Thanksgiving will make me perfectly happy :)

My brother and Dad talking around the table before Thanksgiving dinner. I love you, Joe. It's been a rough year, and you have been absolutely amazing. You have grown into a strong, smart young man, and I couldn't be more proud of you. I might not say that enough, so now you have it in writing :)

After we ate at my parents house, we went down to Charlie and Ann's (Matt's dad and step-mom) for more Thanksgiving food :) Here is Lex, Matt's brother, before dinner.

Here is me with John Mills, Matt's little brother. He informed me during dinner that we aren't BFF, but we are BFN, which he says means "best friends now", because he can't make any garuantees about the future, lol. Pretty sharp for a 9 year old :)

For all the bitching that I have done, you would think that I would despise NaBloPoMo. Actually, I have really enjoyed it. It is definately inspiring and makes me want to post more often than I ever did in the past. I am going to try to keep posting at least a few times a week. Thank you to everyone who has been watching my blog. I hope you guys have enjoyed NaBloPoMo as much as I have. :)

Matt Lincoln

Create your own FACEinHOLE

16 Things About Me

Me, during a rendition of "Vogue" by Madonna. This was performed in the back seat of Debi's car. See #15.

At Kitho's suggestion, here are 16 things you may or may not already know about me. Of course, I'm not gonna tell you the juicy stuff, because that would just be too embarrassing. But I will do my best to try to keep in kinda interesting.

1. I have always been the type of person who has two or three very close friends and many aquintances. I have a lot of numbers stored on my cell phone but I only actually use about 5 of them. I would rather spend my time developing a tight relationship with someone than have a gazillion friends and not have the time to really get to know any of them that well. I feel like it would be a waste of my time and there. This is something that has caused me a lot of trouble in life. Every time I switched schools or jobs, in never made close friends with most of the people around me and I am often thought to be a bitch.


2. If I could have any kind of pet imaginable, I would want a small furry elephant. It would be about the size of a cocker spaniel. Short fur like a Jack Russell.


3. The farthest north I have ever travelled was to Detroit. The farthest south I have ever travelled was to Florida. The farthest west i have ever travelled was to Texas and the farthest east I have ever travelled was to the outer banks of North Carolina.I have never been on a plane.


4. I do not know how to swim. I have always had this stupid idea that if I were in a situation where I had to swim or die, the ability to swim would just come to me.


5. I have a bad habit of quoting song lyrics.


6. I love Schlotsky's and I cried (ok, I had PMS, but they were real tears) when all of the Schlotsky's in WNC closed in one day.


7. I never forget a birthday. I even know the birthdays of some people that died before I was born.


8. I was making out with a guy for the first time (not my first time ever, my first time making out with that guy, silly) when Princess Diana died and I was at the gynocologists office when the planes hit the World Trade Center. Weird. Even weirder, the guy that I was making out with when Princess Di died was in the waiting room at my gyno's office and watched the planes hit on the TV there. I couldn't hear anything that day, and was totally oblivious, locked in an exam room.
   


9. I know this is bad for my skin, but I have to have both hands on my face in order to fall asleep.


10. I was sent to the principals office once in my entire public school career. A girl (who shall remain nameless) started crying and ran back into the school during recess. I chased after her to comfort her. I got in deep shit, she got in no trouble at all.


11. I am obsessed with my day planner and could not live without it. I tried a Palm Pilot, but there is just something about having it all in my own handwriting. I love looking back at the old ones.


12. I have tried to play more musical instruments than I can count. Clarinet. Piano. Guitar. Violin. The list goes on. Music is obviously not my thing. Sorry, Mom and Dad, for all the money you shelled out before I figured that out. And thank you for always letting me know that it was ok to quit, that I would find something I enjoyed and felt like I was good at if i just kept looking.


13. I shaved my head November 26, 2006. Just realized typing this that today is the two year anniversary. I did it WAY before Britney Spears and I warned my family ahead of time so they wouldnt think that I had gone insane. It was just something that I always wanted to do and it was one of the most liberating experiences of my life.


14. When I was in 6th grade I shoved bubble gum in my best friends hair. I was old enough to know better and I wasn't mad at her. I have no idea what made me do it. I spent hours trying to get it out. I still feel guilty.


15. I sing in the car, loudly. I used to limit this to when I was in the car alone, but now I do it pretty much anywhere. Give me a drink and a willing partner or audience and I will belt out pretty much anything. I am NOT a good singer. It's like a mad American Idol audition. I love to sing and really hope that one day I wake up, speak, and my voice sounds like Whitney Houston. That would make me happier than you can imagine.


16. I didn't get the chicken pox until I was 16 and it was hell. I had been exposed a gazillion times and was beginning to think that I was immune. My brother came home from kindergarten the day before Christmas break started and he had them. It took about two weeks, but then I got them. Because of that I can no longer use Aveeno or Dial products without wanting to vomit.

If you stuck around for all 16, than thank you! Hope you enjoyed this :)

Car Talk

My brother: "There is all this stupid crap going around about what a slut Madonna is. People are saying that she sleeps with her back-up dancers and shit. That's stupid."

(I interupt): "Why in the hell would she need to sleep with back-up dancers? She can sleep with anyone she wants"

My brother: "That's what I said!! Yeah, and most of the back up dancers are probably gay anyway"

Me: "Good point. Besides sleeping with back up dancers is so J. Lo. She could have married P. Diddy or Puffy or Sean Combs or ...I think he was Puff Daddy when they were together. But, no, she married a back up dancer. And you know she screwed around on Puffy with that dancer while Puffy was in jail."

My brother: "Who would want to marry P. Diddy? He's a total asshole."

Me: "Yeah, but he's got all that money, and he is never home. You could just hang out in the mansion all day with your swimming pool and ginormous jacuzzi. Maybe have a few friends over and watch a movie in the theatre that you would have in the basement."

My brother: "What?! J. Lo can't just sit on her ass all day. She's got movies to make and videos to do and songs to record and stuff. She's a very busy woman!"

Elton Mom

Create your own FACEinHOLE

I am having too much fun with this.

Create your own FACEinHOLE

This is the last one tonight. I promise.

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Matt hated the first one I did of him. Here is shot 2

Create your own FACEinHOLE

I am having way too much fun with this

Create your own FACEinHOLE

FACEinHOLE.com

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Hot Springs: Before We Knew (for sure, at least) That the Landlord was a Nut

Yes. I did wear my pajammas there and back. All I packed was a bathing suit. Thats how I like to travel :)

Ya'll Need Men?

Last weekend, Matt and I went with some friends to Hot Springs for a one-night mini-vacation. I had never been to Hot Springs, and was really excited. One hour drive. Hot tub. Some one else is paying the rent. Mini-vacations don't get much better than this. Right?

I started to get a bit nervous on the ride up to the Cabin, when Debi, our lovely driver, informed the rest of us that when she called to make reservations for our cabin, the landlord asked her, calmly, seriously, "Ya'll need men?". Debi told him no, that we would bring our own men, and he responded "that's alright, Ma'am, but if youns changes your mind, you'll need to let me know as soon as ya'll can. These boys ain't bright, just got out of prison, matter of fact. Gonna have to ride all the way up the mountain on they's mules if you need 'em."

Yes, you read that right. The landlord tried to solicit male hookers. Male hookers on mules.

This man further proved his insanity on Saturday morning when he marched up to the door of the cabin and raised holy hell regarding the fact that we had one too many people sleeping in the cabin. Nevermind the 2 a.m. live Elton John cover concert which Erin, Matt and I performed within earshot of this man's porch the night before. That was ok. He never mentioned that. But sleeping one extra person on the sofa seemed to be a serious fucking problem. And of course, he used the old fall-back excuse which seems to always pop up here in the mountains, "Our septic can't handle it."

It's probably for the best that I totally slept through the confrontation that he and Debi had Saturday morning, because I surely would have openned my mouth and caused more trouble than was needed. All in all, when the man who owned our cabin was absent and had his mouth shut, we had a LOVELY trip (thank you, thank you, thank you, Debi). The above picture was taken while we all waited on Debi to return from paying for our night in the cabin. You could cut the tension with a knife. This picture captured it all.

By the way- yes, she did argue with him, and his wife was mortified with his behavior and offered a discount.

Lesson for the Day: Commenting Anonymously

I have receieved lots of email from people who are too lazy to create a Blogger (that feels the same as typing "booger") account in order to comment. Never fear, lazyasses. You can comment anonymously with just a few quik steps.

1. Click "comment" button at the bottom of the post that you want to comment on.

2. Type your comment in the big white box. It would be a good idea to type your name at the end of your comment unless you wish to remain completely anonymous. If you want a response, you need to tell me who you are. I am not Lady Cleo.

3. Scroll down and enter whatever weird words appear in the box below your comment.

4. Scroll down and click "Anonymous"

5. Click "Submit"

You've Gotta Be Shittin' Me

I was looking through old pictures tonight, and I came across this picture of Elena. This is an OLD picture! She is only a year old in this one, and she is three now. Where in the hell did the time go? She's still cute and precious, but before we know it she will be all grown up, and little things like water from the hose will not be exciting to her anymore.

Just had to share this with you guys :)

Quotas

Looking at how I have handled this NaBloPoMo thing, it's becoming very clear how I managed to stay on the Chancellors List in college, and still not graduate. I haven't procrastinated, and picked apart technicalities, like this in YEARS.

So according to the count, I have 17 entries that need to be posted in the next eight days in order to fill my "30 posts in 30 days" quota. Again, this simple technicality is why I chose to post (and stand behind, and defend with everything in me) the NaBloPoMo logo that did NOT stress the intended idea behind National Blog Posting Month, which is obviously to post every day for a month. That logo stated very matter-of-factly, "Do or Do Not, There is No 'Try'". The logo that I chose to post simply states "30 posts in 30 days," and I can promise you that :) I'm doing the best I can here. Perhaps I should have been a politician, I am getting great at excuses :b

I'm a NaBloPoMoNoSho

OK, I need to take count and see how many entries I need to make up. This is too funny, seems like I have been doing make-up work all of my life. And I have a pretty good idea that make-up work is not even accpted in this class, but I have managed to pick about the details and justify it for myself anyway :b

Waylon is doing well. He has managed to screw up his staples, but I am working as hard as possible to try to get this one wound to heel up anyway. If I take him to the vet and they have to replace the staples he will have to wear THE CONE!! I don't think that my heart can take that right now. He would be miserable and all of the other dogs would make fun of him. Seriously. I worry about that. The "Leader of the Pack" title is really fuckin important to this dog.

NaBloPoMo Damn Good Excuses

I should have warned you ahead of time that i would be on mini vacation on friday but i didnt. That would be why there is no friday post.

I didn't post today because (he is alright, after $300 and a nervous breakdown on my part) Waylon was hit by a car.

Needless to say I am upset, frazzled, freaked out, all of the above. It was a very very frightening ordeal, and right now I am all full of Boone's Farm (I know it's cheap and shitty, but I love it. You can take the girl out of the south but you can't take the south out of the girl!) and I am in no condition to be seriously blogging.

Thanks for your patience. I'll catch ya'll up later.

Fierce

Major writers block tonight. Sorry.

Calabash Seafood Dinner for Thrifty, Busy People (or Cheap, Lazy People)

Ingredients:

• One box Ore-Ida frozen french fries, Crinkle Cut or Straight

• One box frozen popcorn shrimp (don't get the shrimp poppers. It's hard for thrifty people to resist them, but they are nasty. Trust me.)

• One bag slaw mix. If you aren't too busy you can replace this with hand cut cabbage, but I can not be held responsible for any time that adds to this recipe

• Mayo

• Salt

• Sugar

Time needed to complete meal: 12 minutes max (not including oven preheat time)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Light cigarette and wait. Cover baking sheet with foil so that you won't have to wash it later (you might be busy later). Put desired amount of shrimp on baking sheet. When the oven is preheated, put shrimp in oven and set timer for 11 minutes. Remove lid from box of fries. Smash lid onto fries so that they won't get mushy. Place fries in microwave and set TIMER (you aren't cooking these babies yet) for 7 minutes. Dump slaw mix into bowl with lid, add whatever amount of mayo you desire, season with sugar and salt. Spill salt, throw dash of salt over left shoulder using right hand. Put lid on bowl and shake like hell. Slaw is ready to serve. When the microwave beeps, set it on high and cook fries in microwave for four minutes. Finish cigarette and pour glass of wine. Microwave and oven should beep simultaneously. Remove fries from microwave and dump on plate. Remove shrimp from oven and dump on plate. Dump some slaw on plate. Serve with ketchup, cocktail or tarter sauce. Eat.

Waylon, Audrey, and ___________

So we got a new puppy baby. I know. I know. The last thing we need is another damn dog. I've heard it before, and thanks for your opinions, but I already know. I don't need you to tell me. Resist the urge.

If I were any kind of puppy mommy at all I would already have posted pics on here. The truth of the matter is, I haven't even taken any pics of the lil' feller. I have like 2 pics on my phone, but those always look so blurred on here. With the lack of pictures and all, just imagine, a Jack Russell, just like Waylon, but with no spots. He is solid white, and vewy wittle - I mean very little. (Sorry. I've been on puppy talk for days!)

It is bad enough that there are no pics yet, but what is worse is that we have had him near a week and he has no name yet! Help us! Some of you may remember the old white cat that Steven and I had. White Kitty. We were not creative pet namers. Please help this dog end up with a better name than "White Puppy." Suggest a name!

So here is what you have to work with: we need a name that sounds good with Matt, Rachel, Waylon and Audrey. It doesn't matter really what we name the dog, because he is deaf. Deaf deaf. So he doesn't have to learn to respond to it and he will never feel humiliated by it (don't tell me dogs don't get humiliated. I really think they do). Honestly, we just need something that will look pleasing on the Christmas cards.

Any ideas?


Ok, I felt bad about the lack of pic, so here is the best that I could do without leaving the couch. It's a camera phone pic, but at least its better than no visual at all.

Teeny tiny picture of teeny tiny nameless fur baby.

In language RaNillaic

Remember do you when this pic taken was? Apple Parade the we were at. Drive not did we yet. Dropped off us Mom my. Birkenstocks first the pair ever I owned wearing am I. Buried in those shoes do I want to be. Loved you so much I even then back. Know did I not I that could love you more even today. Young were we. Where would road take us did we not know. Smart we thought we were. License today child the background in stroller in got probably drivers it's . Street Main never be the same will it since days wondered it together we. Historic.

Mail you will I five dollars picture if you can tell me who was taken by.

In English for normal people:

Do you remember when this pic was taken? We were at the Apple Parade. We did not drive yet. My mom dropped us off. I am wearing the first pair of Birkenstocks I ever owned. I want to be buried in those shoes. I loved you so much even back then. I did not know that I could love you even more today. We were young. We did not know where the road would take us. We thought we were smart. The child behind us in the stroller probably got it's driver's license today. Main Street will never be the same since the days we wondered it together. Historic.

Challenge will not be translated. If you can translate it yourself and you also know who took it, then you are the person who took it, and in that case, oh my God, how are you?

Sunday is my Grumpy Day

Ok, I never noticed before that sweet tarts are really called sweetarts. One T. I don't like that. That's more like sweet arts. The people at Nestle make good candy but can't spell.

Is anyone noticing that I am getting really lazy with this NaBloPoMo thing? I always think of neat crap to write about when I am nowhere near the computer. When I get online I either can't remember the topic or have decided that it sucked in the first place. I find myself in front of this computer night after night, constantly fighting the urge to complain about one thing or the other.

Why am I so determined to complete this? I fear that it is bringing out the worst in me. How long can you guys really listen to me bitch? Look at this picture. Waylon is licking his ass on the sofa and I am so frustrated with the blog that I don't care! I have sucked the life out of that cigarette to the point that it isn't burning anymore. My right hand looks like it is holding a phantom wine glass. I am determined to finish what I started here, which is unlike me, and making me crabby, if you haven't noticed.



Only 23 posts to go. I really am enjoying this. I think.

Pictures and Words

Picture

Words

I would say that this picture was probably taken the Christmas before I turned 16 at approximately 4:30 am. My brother, Joe, would've been on the other side of the camera somewhere. He was five, and at the golden age where a child is at the peak of believing. When I was a little kid, my parents had a rule that no gifts would be opened before 6 a.m. on Christmas day, but we all bent this rule for my brother, because it was such a joy to watch him open everything. My cousin Megan is to my right in this picture, and along with Mom and Dad, we have been Santa all night. It was a blessing to get to experience something so cool at such a young age.

Note: This would have been a really cool post. I was going to do 3 or four pictures and tell the stories behind them. The pics were chosen at random by going to my photo folder and holding down the arrow key for a few seconds and stopping. I was going to write about whatever pic i got stuck with. This post can not be completed because there is something totally wrong with blogger that will not let me upload photos right now. I'll try it again later, but I am too lazy to think of a whole new idea and I am on a NaBloPoMo deadline here. Sorry. All complaints can be sent to www.blogger.com :)

NaBloPoMo Loophole and Yesterday's Post on Local Scenery

Ok, I didn't do a post yesterday. Now you can all see why I chose the NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) logo that says "30 posts in 30 days." While I think that posting everyday is a wonderful idea, that doesn't change the fact that I am lazy. Technically, "30 posts in 30 days" means "30 posts in 30 days", not "a post a day for 30 days," although that is the ideal. The reality is that I forget, procrastinate, even run out of things to say, if you can believe that! I promise to meet the quota, but obviously there are gonna be times when I have to post twice in one day in order to catch up with the people that are more NaBloPoMo committed than I.

Read post below as if it were posted yesterday :)

I live near a lake, which means that there is a constant flow of pedestrians in front of my house on any given day. Needless to say, it is annoying and entertaining all at once. Here are some of my faves. I wish I had pics to show you, but I just never happen to be sitting in the yard with a camera when these people walk (or run, jog, attempt to run) past.

80's jogger guy
Preferred method of moving: slow jog. Very slow jog. He thinks he is really movin' it, and is usually sweaty.
Apperal: In summer months, you can catch this guy sporting terry cloth daisy dukes with matching cotton blend tank top and fuzzy headband. During winter, he wears the summer outfits with tights or long johns.
What makes him noteworthy: This guy has to be at least 70. He does this run around the lake (1.6 miles) daily. He looks like an idiot and he doesn't care. He sees no need to update his wardrobe to keep up with the more trendy joggers. He's frugal, and I can identify with that. I admire his tenacity and the fact that he lets my dog bark like an madman at him, and he doesn't even give the dog a glance. He's crazy, he doesn't care that my dog is crazy, therefor he is one of my fave neighborhood pedestrians (FNP).

Dr. M (won't give his full name because he is lawsuit happy)
Preferred method of moving: Haulin ass
Apperal: If his coworkers saw this shit they would puke.
What makes him noteworthy: The fact that he attacked my dog when the dog weighed about 4 pounds. This guy was my doc for a while, and always seemed so soft-spoken. Who would think that he would be scared of a tiny dog? Also he has a nasty habit of wiping the sweat from his face with his shirt, showing the excessive amount of hair on his belly. Hopefully it is evident why he is no longer my doctor. One should never see their own doctor's belly hair, or have to scream at them for launching a rock at a puppy.

Mrs. Jennings
Preferred method of moving: She, and her walker, move slow.
Apperal: moo moo
What makes her noteworthy: see "preferred method of moving." This lady doesn't mind causing a traffic jam to get her daily exercise and I hope that I am that active when I am her age, which I estimate to be somewhere near 114. Seriously though, she is really cute.

I could go on all day, but my hand is starting to hurt, so only one more. Sorry. I know you are disappointed.

"Where in the hell is his mother?" kid
Preferred method of moving: he has progressed from tricycle, to bicycle with training wheels, and this year, he ditched the training wheels.
Apperal: Whatever fits, no regard to climate. Enjoys traveling sans shoes.
What makes him noteworthy: I have watched this kid grow up during the years that I have lived in this house and I have never once seen an adult with him. He was about 4 when we moved in, and it was so scary to see him ride around on a tricycle in the middle of a curvy public road. For four years now, I have resisted the urge to follow him home, grab his parent(s)/guardian(s) and scream "CHERISH YOUR CHILD!!!" in their face.

Ok, thats it. If you actually read this far, thank you!

Back in My Day (dedicated to Abi)

Does anyone else remember phony bologna? It was bubble gum that was shaped like bologna and came in a pack that looked like an Oscar Meyer package.

What about the hot dog shaped bubble gum?

Remember when they sold candy cigarettes and you weren't considered a lousy parent if you bought them for your kid?

I remember in 1989 when my Aunt Kathy dressed as a "woman of the 90's" for Halloween.

My little brother thought I was kidding when I told him that Michael Jackson was once black.

Was anyone else the first kid to get on the bus in the morning and the last kid to get off the bus in the afternoon?

I have been driving for 11 years. I remember when I had 11 years to go before I could get my license.

Not to sound like that "Strawberry Wine" song, but I still remember when 30 was old. Wait a minute. 30 still seems old, it's just not far away anymore.

It used to be really taboo to talk about maxi pads or tampons.

I think I was the last person in my class to figure out what the hell a "BJ" was.

As a child, I wondered if Ronald Reagan and Ronald McDonald were related.

Remember what Chelsea Clinton looked like when Bill was inaugurated the first time?

I was working on a topographical play-doh map of North Carolina when the first President Bush turned Operation Desert Shield into a war by changing the name to "Operation Desert Storm." The principal at my school played "Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood on the intercom every day after the morning announcements.

My dad had matching Chevelles. One black, one white, both had red interior.

When did leaves changing colors become exciting??

Remember when sex in the back seat of a car sounded like a fun idea instead of a recipe for a backache?

My grandmother didn't have a water hose and we had to fill the kiddie pool with gallon jugs each summer. This is a great way to make your kids want to keep the pool clean.

I still have my Cabbage Patch Kid. I won't tell you the date on it's butt, but it's hair is still screwed up from riding to Gramma's on the back of dad's Harley.

I used to get annoyed that Mom could never leave the house without making a trip back inside to get something she had forgotten. That's me now, and I embrace it, though it annoys others.

I figured all cars would have doors that open up instead of out by now.

One day I'll look back on this. Hopefully when I am 60 something. Then I'll really have good reason to feel old.

(Note to my future self: You aren't old. Oprah said 50 was the new 30, so in Oprah years, you are only 40 something :b By the way, in case you don't remember, Oprah Winfrey hosted a very popular talk show back in your day. It's probably available on DVD somewhere, if they still make those.)

Late, as usual

Ok, so I forgot to do a blog post yesterday, so you guys are getting two today!! Please try to contain your excitement.

I'm gonna start this one off by doing some bitchin. I had a friend on facebook whose status comment on election night was "I am glad Obama won so that I don't have to listen to another 4 years of whining from liberals." Thats some passive aggressive whining if I have ever heard it. I am so sick of people complaining about how much liberals complain. I realize that I am a complaining liberal right now, but I don't give a damn. Why is it not OK to disagree with the government? I am all for respecting the president, but I also believe that he is doing a job for the American people. We pay the man, and we should be able to bitch when he doesn't do a satisfactory job. I am about as liberal as they come but if Obama screws up, you can bet your ass that I'll be the first to complain, but something tells me that you guys know that already.

Here is more bitching. I went to Chick-Fil-A (the spelling of that really bothers me, by the way) today and noticed that they have skipped straight from Halloween to Christmas with their decorations and specialty items. Thats right folks, today is November 6th and you can get a peppermint chocolate chip milkshake at Chick-Fil-A. Maybe it's a winter item and not a Christmas item, but I doubt that. Five dollars to anyone that wants to bet against me that the peppermint shake will be gone by January 1. Wal-mart is already playing holiday music on the intercom, which I can't even hear, but Lex was nice enough to point it out to me. They also have a full assortment of green, white, pink AND purple faux trees on sale, to suit your tacky holiday needs. Blockbuster had a sign on the door yesterday that said "50 shopping days left until Christmas." FIFTY DAYS??? IT IS NOT TIME PUT THE SIGN UP YET!!

Ok, I'm gonna go have a glass of wine, to go with my whine. Check later for a more pleasant post.

It's gonna be a short one tonight, kids. Mama has been waiting on this glass of champagne for 8 years.

I never thought I would live to see the day that a black person or woman held the office of the President of the United States of America. I always knew that it would happen one day. That eventually someone who would have previously been labeled as "downtrodden" would be sitting at he top. 100 years ago women couldn't vote. 50 years ago a black man had to sit at the back of the bus. In January 2009, a black man will take his seat in the oval office. I feel like I have lived through a piece of history that I will never forget. How will I ever explain it to the kids that I don't have yet, that being a minority used to be a real disadvantage? I am actually proud to be an American tonight. Maybe now I can take a trip to Europe and not feel like I have to tell everyone that I am Canadian :)

In between expressions

I have never been a photogenic person. Just look at my third grade school picture and that's proof enough that I've never been a star in front of the camera.

What really gets me though, is that I always seem to get caught by the camera in between facial expressions. I'm always the girl that looks half happy/half sad. Here is a great pic that was taken at my cousin Jessie's wedding last weekend. I was the Maid of Honor. Can you even believe how I can ruin hours spent on hair and make-up with just one snap of the lense?



Scary, huh?

And now, here is what I like to think I really look like all the time :)



Someone please tell me that I am not the only one that gets screwed by the camera almost every time it is pointed my way.

Thank you Dr. Sampson!!

THE TUMOR IS GONE!!!! Dad got out of surgery today at about 4:00 pm. The surgery only lasted 8 hours, opposed to the 10-12 hours which we were expecting. Dr. Sampson was able to get the entire tumor out.

I got to see day for a short while in the ICU around 7 this afternoon and he was awake and alert, although he was pretty cranky and a little confused which were expected side effects of the anesthesia. He was making jokes and giving the nurses hell. He has some swelling, another thing that we were told was inevitable with this type of operation. The swelling should subside a lot tonight and in the coming days and he we be moved from ICU or sent home.

Thanks to everyone for all of the kind words, well wishes, and prayers. It means more than you could know. Just one move favor, lets all send some prayers and positive energy out there in hopes that he will be able to come home as soon as possible. He has already made it clear that he is ready to get back to the "Ponderosa".

No clever title this time :b

Just wanted to let everyone know that we are here in Durham and everything is going as planned. Yesterday dad did a lot of pre-op stuff, meeting with the anesthiologist, some kinda special MRI, etc. Today they embolized the tumor, which means that they put some type of microscopic particals in the veins that feed the tumor so that the tumor will stop getting any blood supply and begin to die tonight. They still haven't told us what time they will start the surgery tomorrow. That seems to me the million dollar question :b.

Dad has been admitted into the hospital and will spend one night in the room he is in now. After the surgery he will be put in the ICU and probably remain pretty heavily sedated until Friday morning. He is in good spirits despite a really bad headache, which the docs said to expect after the embolization.

Thats about all for now. Please keep the thoughts and prayers coming. We appreciate you all!

Valium from God

Tomorrow is the day of departure. Matt, Mom, Dad and I will hop in our rented minivan to make the trip to Duke University to have dad's brain tumor removed. Our bags are packed (ok, I'll confess, I'm not packed yet, but Mom and Dad damn sure are!). Hotel reservations for the days before the surgery are set, as well as appointment times for tests before Dad is admitted to the hospital. Dad's got a new haircut (I cut it myself and I have to say it's simply marvelous), my legs are shaved and the MP3 player is charged. It's time to go.

Although this is a trip that I would rather we didn't have to make, I am ready. We have had over a month of anticipation of Dad's surgery and it has not been easy. Now finally the time has come to actually move forward towards progress and get out of the stagnant state that the entire family has been left in. We are all looking forward to getting this show on the road.

******************************

I had a spiritual moment the other day. Some would call it an epiphany, others a message from God. My uncle Wayne called it "one of those times when God drops you a valium." I was in the minivan, singing along with Elton John's "Original Sin", thinking very deeply about something very important that has nothing to do with Dad or his well being. Traffic clogged up and I ended up sitting on a bridge that crossed over the interstate. Traffic wasn't moving in the lane next to me either, and I looked beside me and saw a man on a motorcycle. His beard and hair looked identical to my Dad's new haircut, and he was grinning ear to ear for some reason. He was wearing and old helmet like the one Dad had when I was a kid. He never looked at me, but when I saw him I had a wave of warmth and contentment that flooded over me. I had an absolute certain feeling that Dad would be back on his motorcycle soon and that like Bob Marley says "every little thing is gonna be alright now." God dropped me a valium, to help me calm down, and see that I'm ok, and we'll be ok. I also instantly felt a feeling of resolution and peace about the problem that I was thinking about before I saw the man on the bike. It was one of those moments that are too rare in life

I am not into organized religion, but I am a spiritual person. I was not alone in the van. One or more of my angels was with me. I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and thoughts. Please continue to pray for Dad and for the angel or angels to stay with us so that one day someone will be stopped in traffic beside my Dad, on his Harley, grinning ear to ear.

9 days and counting

Mom's Lillies. Life is beautiful even when chaotic :)

Its hard to believe that our date of departure for Dads surgery at Duke is only 9 days away. When this all started it seemed like waiting all the way through the month of August would be hell. It hasn't been easy, but it's definately gone faster than I thought that it would.

Of course, I'm scared. Who wouldn't be? But at the same time, I am fully aware that this situation is out of my hands and I have a secure feeling that everything will turn out ok. I am looking forward to seeing dad be able to get back to doing the things that he enjoys so much. I can't wait to go through the holidays this year with everyone healthy and happy. I have a strong feeling that this is going to be one of the best Christmases of my life.

Dad used to sing this song all the time when I was a kid. The chorus was "Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you." The song starts out with the words "If I could make a wish, I think I'd pass. Can't think of anything I need." This entire journey with dad has really openned my eyes to the truth in that song. Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe, and to love the people that mean the most to me. But at the same time, If I could make a wish, there is no chance in hell that I would pass right now. I can definately say that there is something that I need and we all know what it is. Hopefully our super surgeon at Duke can give me what I need and three weeks from now, I hope to be able to say that if I could make a wish, I would pass.

Keep dad in your thought and prayers, and I'll do my best to keep everyone updated.

Beloved Land of my Ancestors

Matt's birthday was a few weeks ago and we celebrated by going to Harrah's in Cherokee. This has become a tradition of sorts. Well, I guess you could say that, we've gone two years in a row.

Harrah's never fails to amaze me. I think that it's the only place left on earth where you can smoke anywhere on the property and inside the casino and hotel. The entire place is tinged with that slight smell of cigarette smoke filtered through the air conditioning system. It smells like my car. The Cherokees are fond of their tobacco, but frown upon drinking. There is no alcohol in the joint, but all the free Coke and coffee you want. And, of course, you can win money!! Its truly a marvelous place.

Having said all that, I have to say that it's true that the house always wins. Harrahs is now employing some interesting psychological techniques to keep people in the game. They have always had "rewards cards" which you clip to your shirt and insert in the machine while you play. In the old days, those cards accumulated points as you played and you could redeem the points for free dinners and things like that. The deal with the cards has changed. You still get your rewards points, but now you MUST put the card in the machine to play. Let me put that more plainly... If you want to play, you must tether yourself to the machine. You could always not clip the card to your shirt, but if you screw up and lose it you aren't gonna be playing anything again until you stand in line for an hour to get a new card. They have also arranged this amazing new system where you can't even SEE the money that you are losing. Cash is eliminated from the whole equation as soon as possible. The slot machines only take bills worth $5 or more. You bet "credits" not quarters. If you win the big bucks, its not like it is in the movies. Quarters don't start flying out of the machine, you just get more credits. If you choose to cash out, you still don't get a flood of quarters. You get a ticket printed by the machine which contains a barcode that you scan at an ATM-like machine and get crisp bills. Not a flood of quarters. I cant express how disappointing that is. If I win a million dollars at a slot machine, I want change flying everywhere!! And then I want to have buckets of change and I want to have to get a gaurd with a luggage cart to escort me to the cashier. Technology has changed the world, in ways good and bad. If you ask me, technology has stripped a lot of the fun from the slot machines, and it's definately given the house a bigger advantage. It's so much easier to spend money you can't really see. Its easier to bet "4 credits" than it is to bet a real dollar. And when you are ahead of the game, it's harder to take your money and run when you have to wait for your ticket to print and then physically detach yourself from the machine.

I'm a light-weight gambler. I never enter the casino with more that $20 and I never leave with more than ten cents. I play the nickel slots, so as to stretch that $20 as far as possible. At one point I was up $6, but I gambled that away as fast as the machine would let me. Once it was all gone, I detached myself from the machine and "cashed out". The machine was kind enough to print me a ticket for $0.00, which is redeemable at any of the cash machines located by the beverages.

I know Harrah's is trying to fuck with my head and steal my money, thats why I only play $20. However, they do give me free coffee, the small hope of winning a dollar and they let me smoke wherever I please. To me, thats a good time. Now, if they cut out the free coffee, it's over between us.

Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans

I have been totally nocturnal for the past week and its driving me insane. Doesn't matter when I go to bed, I won't fall asleep til at least 5 am and then i sleep til 3 or 4. Aside from the fact that I have about a gazillion things that need to be done during business hours, I am beginning to miss daylight. And other people who live in the daylight. I have got to figure a way to turn this all around, and I have a feeling that its going to involve serious sleep depravation.


I think that James Gandolfini is staying at the Inn near my house. I swear, I've seen him twice around the neighborhood this week. Next time I just gonna yell out "Hey Tony!!" and see if he responds. Then I'm gonna tell him that he should've had richie's smart ass popped before Janice ended up having to do it for him.



I've been thinking about my Gramma Neal a lot lately. I keep hearing songs that i associate with her death for some reason or another. Gramma if your sending signals or something, I'm getting them. Have you been stealing cigarettes again? I've noticed a lighter shortage too, lol. I miss you, love you, and hope you are having a blast where ever you are. Don't go too far away. :)



Dad's surgery date has been set. Testing and more testing at Duke on September 2 and 3. Actual surgery will be performed on September 4. I found out this week that dad's neurosurgeon, Dr. Sampson, assisted in Ted Kennedys operation in which he had a brain tumor removed. According to the doc, Ted is progressing as planned. His tumor was cancerous and he is undergoing radiotherepy and chemo. Dr. Sampson is pretty sure that dad's tumor is not cancerous and won't need treatment after the surgery. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers. Its gonna be a tough month to have to wait for the surgery. Of course we would all like to have it done and over with as soon as possible, but the 4th of September was the only day that the doc could get his posse together to help him out all day.



Thats about all I have for now. I am not feeling very creative today. Just having a lazy Sunday. Hope everyone is well. :)

Pins and Needles

The parents and I left town on Thursday to go to Duke University to see a neurosurgeon about ATGIAK (if you don't know what that acronym means, see previous post titled "Ya Vo, Motherfucker, Ya Vo"). I'll admit, I was a bit worried about the trip. What will the doctor say? Will they admit dad right away? Is the alignment on the car gonna screw up? (Don't ask, I can't tell you why I worry about that obsessively on all road trips.) Will dad be ok if I smoke in the car on the way down there? Ok, so the last worry is a bit self-centered, but it's a 4 and a half hour drive, and I'm being honest here.

I was hoping that the doctor would just tell us that ATGIAK disappeared. That would have been the best case scenario, but of course I knew that wasn't going to happen. Still, it can't hurt to hope. Anyway, I don't think that anyone with realistic expectations would be able to think that our trip could have gone any better than it actually did. We saw the doctor Friday. He and his nurse practitioner were both amazing. He will be removing ATGIAK in early September (the 4th, but that date isn't set in stone yet). It will be a long surgery, and risky, but the surgeon seemed confident that he could remove all of ATGIAK without major complications. I trust him. He made eye contact with us. That means a lot in the medical world.

So now we wait. Again. But I have to admit, it feels a lot better now that we actually know what we are waiting for. It's scary, but it feels good to finally have a game plan. Not to mention the fact that I feel like dad's brain is in great hands with the doctor at Duke.

During the exam, the nurse practitioner poked dad (gently, everything this woman does is done gently) all over his left side with a safety pin. She wanted to know if he could tell, with his eyes closed, whether she was poking him with the sharp end or the rounded end. I took that safety pin when we left. I intend to wear it until dad can pass that test. When that day arrives, I'm going to poke the hell out him with it out of sheer happiness. :) I know. It's weird, but I just felt compelled to keep the safety pin for some reason. I'm not really gonna stab him with it, but I do feel that it's a bit symbolic of the problem, and will also be symbolic in knowing when the problem is resolved. Doctors want MRIs and Arteriograms, but I cant read that crap. The safety pin test tells me more, while we wait for the docs to tell us what their fancier tests say.

I'll keep you posted if anything new pops up. Otherwise, thank you to everyone for all the well-wishes and prayers, and keep 'em comin'. :) You guys have no idea how helpful it really is.

Sidenote: Before Thursday I hadn't been out of town with my parents in at least 15 years. Also, I think I have picked up some kind of illness involving lots of snot and tiredness. When I am feeling more energetic I will post more about the actual trip itself, which was interesting and entertaining despite our cause for going on the trip in the first place.

The Next Step

So Dad saw his neurologist Monday. He told us that he didnt think that they could remove as much of the tumor at Mission as they could at Duke, so we are off to Duke on Thursday. His appointment is Friday morning.

I am optimistic. I looked up dad's doctor at Duke and he seems to be highly credentialed (is that a word?) and has won all kinds of awards and stuff. I don't know if we will just be talking to the doctor and then coming home Friday or if they will admit him for testing or surgery right away. So, in other words, I might be out of town for one night or I could be away indefinately. I am hoping that they get on the whole removal thing fast, so that dad can get to feeling better faster, but we'll just have to see what happens.

I'll keep you updated.

Two Out of Three Ain't as Good as I Thought it Was, Still Ain't Bad

I was chatting on messenger with my friend Gina last night. I had drank a glass of wine. I was feelin alright. I decided to mention to Gina how much I love Meatloaf. The artist, not the food. She disagreed, "I like meatloaf. The food, not the artist."

On the way home from Cocula the other day I heard "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad." God, I love that song. Always thought it was one of the sweetest love songs of all time. Wouldn't if feel great to hear someone say to you, "I want you, I need you, and there ain't no way I'm ever gonna leave you"? Isn' t that what we all want? Unconditional love? How can Gina hate that? Anyway, it had been rolling around my head, and flying obnoxiously out of my mouth, a lot. Last night, while I was chatting with Gina, I decided to look up the lyrics. I thought, if the chorus is so good, I bet reading the song in its entirety would be like beautiful poetry.

Once I started reading the lyrics, that idea flew out the window like a bat out of Hell. (Sorry, couldn't resist the pun.)

All these years I've been belting out, "I want you, I need you, and there ain't know way I'm ever gonna LEAVE you." I always wondered what the hell he meant with the next line, "So don't be sad, don't be sad, two out of three ain't bad." But I thought maybe he was high when he wrote it. Or maybe he thought that she didn't feel the same way about him, (with all that wantin and needin and never leavin stuff) but he was willing to cut his losses and take two out of three if she thought she could handle that. You know, lighten the load a little. I'm reading the lyrics last night, and there in print, so damn obvious, "I want you, I need you, but there ain't now way I'm ever gonna LOVE you". AAARRGGGHHH!!!!!!! That's why Gina hates this asshole!

I feel totally betrayed. Well maybe not totally.

It's still a love song, but not at all the one I thought it was all these years. I thought he was professing his undying love TO someone. Really, he is professing his undying love FOR someone else TO a woman who is madly in love with him. He's flat out saying, "You love me but I don't love you." Damn. That's some harsh shit to say to someone. But the loaf is hurting too, you know? And at least he is being honest with this girl. He just isn't saying the romantic mush I thought he was. Still beautiful poetry.

Here's a link to the lyrics. http://www.lyricsfreak.com/m/meat+loaf/two+out+of+three+aint+bad_20091283.html

I still like the artist more than the food. He's got some catchy tunes, and thats better than a wad of ground beef and ketchup.

By the way... meatloaf. meat loaf. one word or two?

Lovely Rita, Meter Maid

I went with my friend, Lex, VERY early this morning to adopt a dog from the animal shelter. I thought that it would be something fun and positive, and I am always up for any kind of shopping for dogs. There is nothing more fun than bringing a dog home and letting them become a part of your family. He has been talking about getting a dog for a while, and he has a beautiful cabin in the woods of Saluda that would be a paradise for anything furry with four legs.

When we got to the shelter, Lex was immediatly smitten with a lovely Mutt named Susie. He HAD to have her. The feeling was mutual. From the second that she was taken out to of the kennel so that Lex could walk her around and get a feel for her personality she was stuck to him like glue and wouldn't leave his side. We went through all the paperwork and before we knew it we had Susie in the car and ready to see her new home. Of course, the name Susie just had to go. I am very close to a human Suzi, so that would have been weird. Plus the name just didnt fit her. Lex settled on Rita, which strangely fits :) Rita had only been in the shelter for three days, she was reliqueshed (I'm sure I spelled that wrong) by her family for reasons that we dont know. She's cute as a button, but needs to fatten up a little :) She LOVES riding in the car, as you can see:) It is amazing how quikly she has bonded to Lex and I can't wait for her to meet our dogs, Waylon and Audrey. I have a feeling that she and Waylon are gonna be best buds. She comes when you call her, hopefully she will teach Waylon how to do that!

Congratulations Lex and Rita. Who said there's no such thing as love at first sight?

Oops

Hey guys. Just realized that I had my comments settings messed up. Somehow I managed to set it up so that I couldn't receive any comments, but I fixed it. So comment away!!

Good Times in the Meantime :)

Dad and his buddy from work, Doyce, who drove all the way from Rutherford County to come by and "shoot the shit."

Dad's not real big on shirts, never has been. If you are bothered by that, see the adult content warning :)

Hurry up and wait

Right now, my life is in the waiting room, This picture of Matt pretty much sums up my feelings about it. Right now I'm waiting, exhausted, ready to go already. Dad had his contrast MRI done yesterday, but we still havent gotten any test results. Trust me, that has nothing to do with a lack of nagging on mom's part. If I know her well, she has called the doctor, called the doctor, and called that damn doctor again. I don't blame her. I'd do the same for sure. Dad was wore out from the test yesterday, but from what mom has told me he is feeling better today. Like I said, we are all sitting in Life's waiting room, and when we get called back, I'll be sure to keep everyone updated.

I also want to say thanks for everyone's concern. It means a lot. Keep sending Dad good mojo :)