Heavy

If you are looking to read something all sunshiney and full of rainbows, you might want to skip this blog. I'm in a funk, and I am going to funking talk about it :p

There has been a lot on my mind lately. Lots of things to do, things that I need to get ready to do, things that I should have done already and have not. I'm fine, really, just bogged down with a lot of shit on my mind, and having troubne organizing all that shit and handling it in an effective way, if that makes sense.

My strange ability to remember birthdays, anniversarys and the like has not been handy this year. It has caused me more grief than good. Seem's like every time I turn around it's been ten years since this happenned, or someone would be having a birthday if they were still alive, an anniversary if they were still together, etc. Sometimes I wish that I could just forget. Maybe that would make it easier to ignore some scars that obviously haven't healed yet. Is there really bliss in ignorance? Probably not. Maybe I need to remember these things in order to remember how blessed I really am. Maybe some scars aren't meant to heal. Who knows. I am young yet, so I will have to get back to you after I've done some more living. At this point, I think there are things that will always be raw with me. I've had manny unexpected things happen in my life, some wonderful, some super shitty, and I think most of them I will never forget completely, even if I was able to forget these dates.

Another thing running around in my mind lately are thoughts and concerns for a friend whose husband was recently injured in Afganistan. At first when I found out he had been injured, I wasn't sure whether he was alive or not, because I simply saw someones status update on Facebook that read something to the effect of "sending prayer to the familly". It scared the shit out of me. I know my friend does not want to be a widow. She has made that pretty clear. I was thrilled to learn that her husband is alive, and fully cognitive. But my heart aches for her, her husband, and their children. I have never met my friends husband, yet this feels very close to home. I keep thinking about their bright, adorable kids, and hoping that the day when the entire family is at home, together, under one roof, sharing the same walls comes with lightning speed. I know in the end they will all be ok, once they adjust to whatever their new reality may be. I feel selfish even writing about it, when it is not my family that is goiong through hell. I just feel like I need to air it out somewhere, that I hurt for them, that I appreciate the sacrifice her husband and their entire family has made and wish them some glimmer of normalcy soon, and as much laughter as their hearts can hold during this crappy ass time for them.

And as always, you can add a healthy dose of stress about my hearing on my list of woes. What I wouldn't give to just not have to worry about it at all. To just be able to hear like most people do, and move about my life without having to deal with the bullshit that is caused by my shitty hearing. It is hard not to grow bitter over the way that things shook out regarding my eligibility for a cochlear implant. I deserve one, I feel, and I damn sure need one. I guess I just get a case of the "why me's" every now and then. I know that I am so lucky that things are not worse than they are. This is another area where I feel guilty or selfish expressing how I feel, especially the negative feelings. I know I should be happy to have what I have, and I am. Oh God, am I ever grateful that things are not worse, and they have been in the past, and I never want to go there again. But at the same time, it wouldn't be realistic at all not to acknowledge the fact that I get really pissed off about the situation, the lack of a solution, and every now and then it makes me just want to scream.

So that is what is on my mind. Heavy though  it may be. That's just a bit of it really. There are a lot of lighter things in my head too, thoughts and excitement about Everett's first birthday, my upcoming 30th birthday, and of course, Easter (my favorite!!), excitement about my new lawn mower, etc. and I will write about all that stuff soon. But there is no way that I could sit here and write about easter eggs and freshly cut lawns, without addressing the things that I have been thinking about foremost in the past few days. I needed to get it out, and if you have managed to read all the way to this point, I commend your patience :p Please do not worry about me, I am fine and I don't need anything. But I did have some shit that I needed to get off of my chest, and now I can bubble that one in on the calendar.

Good night. :)