Valium from God

Tomorrow is the day of departure. Matt, Mom, Dad and I will hop in our rented minivan to make the trip to Duke University to have dad's brain tumor removed. Our bags are packed (ok, I'll confess, I'm not packed yet, but Mom and Dad damn sure are!). Hotel reservations for the days before the surgery are set, as well as appointment times for tests before Dad is admitted to the hospital. Dad's got a new haircut (I cut it myself and I have to say it's simply marvelous), my legs are shaved and the MP3 player is charged. It's time to go.

Although this is a trip that I would rather we didn't have to make, I am ready. We have had over a month of anticipation of Dad's surgery and it has not been easy. Now finally the time has come to actually move forward towards progress and get out of the stagnant state that the entire family has been left in. We are all looking forward to getting this show on the road.

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I had a spiritual moment the other day. Some would call it an epiphany, others a message from God. My uncle Wayne called it "one of those times when God drops you a valium." I was in the minivan, singing along with Elton John's "Original Sin", thinking very deeply about something very important that has nothing to do with Dad or his well being. Traffic clogged up and I ended up sitting on a bridge that crossed over the interstate. Traffic wasn't moving in the lane next to me either, and I looked beside me and saw a man on a motorcycle. His beard and hair looked identical to my Dad's new haircut, and he was grinning ear to ear for some reason. He was wearing and old helmet like the one Dad had when I was a kid. He never looked at me, but when I saw him I had a wave of warmth and contentment that flooded over me. I had an absolute certain feeling that Dad would be back on his motorcycle soon and that like Bob Marley says "every little thing is gonna be alright now." God dropped me a valium, to help me calm down, and see that I'm ok, and we'll be ok. I also instantly felt a feeling of resolution and peace about the problem that I was thinking about before I saw the man on the bike. It was one of those moments that are too rare in life

I am not into organized religion, but I am a spiritual person. I was not alone in the van. One or more of my angels was with me. I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and thoughts. Please continue to pray for Dad and for the angel or angels to stay with us so that one day someone will be stopped in traffic beside my Dad, on his Harley, grinning ear to ear.

9 days and counting

Mom's Lillies. Life is beautiful even when chaotic :)

Its hard to believe that our date of departure for Dads surgery at Duke is only 9 days away. When this all started it seemed like waiting all the way through the month of August would be hell. It hasn't been easy, but it's definately gone faster than I thought that it would.

Of course, I'm scared. Who wouldn't be? But at the same time, I am fully aware that this situation is out of my hands and I have a secure feeling that everything will turn out ok. I am looking forward to seeing dad be able to get back to doing the things that he enjoys so much. I can't wait to go through the holidays this year with everyone healthy and happy. I have a strong feeling that this is going to be one of the best Christmases of my life.

Dad used to sing this song all the time when I was a kid. The chorus was "Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe and to love you." The song starts out with the words "If I could make a wish, I think I'd pass. Can't think of anything I need." This entire journey with dad has really openned my eyes to the truth in that song. Sometimes all I need is the air that I breathe, and to love the people that mean the most to me. But at the same time, If I could make a wish, there is no chance in hell that I would pass right now. I can definately say that there is something that I need and we all know what it is. Hopefully our super surgeon at Duke can give me what I need and three weeks from now, I hope to be able to say that if I could make a wish, I would pass.

Keep dad in your thought and prayers, and I'll do my best to keep everyone updated.

Beloved Land of my Ancestors

Matt's birthday was a few weeks ago and we celebrated by going to Harrah's in Cherokee. This has become a tradition of sorts. Well, I guess you could say that, we've gone two years in a row.

Harrah's never fails to amaze me. I think that it's the only place left on earth where you can smoke anywhere on the property and inside the casino and hotel. The entire place is tinged with that slight smell of cigarette smoke filtered through the air conditioning system. It smells like my car. The Cherokees are fond of their tobacco, but frown upon drinking. There is no alcohol in the joint, but all the free Coke and coffee you want. And, of course, you can win money!! Its truly a marvelous place.

Having said all that, I have to say that it's true that the house always wins. Harrahs is now employing some interesting psychological techniques to keep people in the game. They have always had "rewards cards" which you clip to your shirt and insert in the machine while you play. In the old days, those cards accumulated points as you played and you could redeem the points for free dinners and things like that. The deal with the cards has changed. You still get your rewards points, but now you MUST put the card in the machine to play. Let me put that more plainly... If you want to play, you must tether yourself to the machine. You could always not clip the card to your shirt, but if you screw up and lose it you aren't gonna be playing anything again until you stand in line for an hour to get a new card. They have also arranged this amazing new system where you can't even SEE the money that you are losing. Cash is eliminated from the whole equation as soon as possible. The slot machines only take bills worth $5 or more. You bet "credits" not quarters. If you win the big bucks, its not like it is in the movies. Quarters don't start flying out of the machine, you just get more credits. If you choose to cash out, you still don't get a flood of quarters. You get a ticket printed by the machine which contains a barcode that you scan at an ATM-like machine and get crisp bills. Not a flood of quarters. I cant express how disappointing that is. If I win a million dollars at a slot machine, I want change flying everywhere!! And then I want to have buckets of change and I want to have to get a gaurd with a luggage cart to escort me to the cashier. Technology has changed the world, in ways good and bad. If you ask me, technology has stripped a lot of the fun from the slot machines, and it's definately given the house a bigger advantage. It's so much easier to spend money you can't really see. Its easier to bet "4 credits" than it is to bet a real dollar. And when you are ahead of the game, it's harder to take your money and run when you have to wait for your ticket to print and then physically detach yourself from the machine.

I'm a light-weight gambler. I never enter the casino with more that $20 and I never leave with more than ten cents. I play the nickel slots, so as to stretch that $20 as far as possible. At one point I was up $6, but I gambled that away as fast as the machine would let me. Once it was all gone, I detached myself from the machine and "cashed out". The machine was kind enough to print me a ticket for $0.00, which is redeemable at any of the cash machines located by the beverages.

I know Harrah's is trying to fuck with my head and steal my money, thats why I only play $20. However, they do give me free coffee, the small hope of winning a dollar and they let me smoke wherever I please. To me, thats a good time. Now, if they cut out the free coffee, it's over between us.

Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans

I have been totally nocturnal for the past week and its driving me insane. Doesn't matter when I go to bed, I won't fall asleep til at least 5 am and then i sleep til 3 or 4. Aside from the fact that I have about a gazillion things that need to be done during business hours, I am beginning to miss daylight. And other people who live in the daylight. I have got to figure a way to turn this all around, and I have a feeling that its going to involve serious sleep depravation.


I think that James Gandolfini is staying at the Inn near my house. I swear, I've seen him twice around the neighborhood this week. Next time I just gonna yell out "Hey Tony!!" and see if he responds. Then I'm gonna tell him that he should've had richie's smart ass popped before Janice ended up having to do it for him.



I've been thinking about my Gramma Neal a lot lately. I keep hearing songs that i associate with her death for some reason or another. Gramma if your sending signals or something, I'm getting them. Have you been stealing cigarettes again? I've noticed a lighter shortage too, lol. I miss you, love you, and hope you are having a blast where ever you are. Don't go too far away. :)



Dad's surgery date has been set. Testing and more testing at Duke on September 2 and 3. Actual surgery will be performed on September 4. I found out this week that dad's neurosurgeon, Dr. Sampson, assisted in Ted Kennedys operation in which he had a brain tumor removed. According to the doc, Ted is progressing as planned. His tumor was cancerous and he is undergoing radiotherepy and chemo. Dr. Sampson is pretty sure that dad's tumor is not cancerous and won't need treatment after the surgery. Keep him in your thoughts and prayers. Its gonna be a tough month to have to wait for the surgery. Of course we would all like to have it done and over with as soon as possible, but the 4th of September was the only day that the doc could get his posse together to help him out all day.



Thats about all I have for now. I am not feeling very creative today. Just having a lazy Sunday. Hope everyone is well. :)